Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
