HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
