he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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