I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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