And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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