I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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