i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Randomize
