Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize