she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
