when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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