I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
