All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Randomize
