He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
