Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
