the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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