I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
