Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
