JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
