Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize