You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
