Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
