for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
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