Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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