New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
