so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
