Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
