Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
