I'm lost and stupid without you.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
