Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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