I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
