I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Randomize
