you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
