fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
