I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
