If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
