Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize