My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
