I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
3 2 1 whiskey
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
