So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
