I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
