this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
