He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
