i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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