have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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