I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
