a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Semen is not good for contacts.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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