dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
