I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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