She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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