I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
