If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize