I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
