I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
