So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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