i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
