um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
