You're my little dorito
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
