no, he came in my armpit
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Terrible idea I love it
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
