we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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