Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
