im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
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