You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
