You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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