Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
