Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
