my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
