i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
